yes, I realize no one cares...

For the past hour, I've been looking through my old photos on Facebook (and even some from Myspace). And by old, I mean four to five years old. Hardly old at all.

At the beginning of each year, I put together a blog that illustrates how much I've changed during the course of the year. Unfortunately, they become less interesting every year, as the adult-version of me tries to even himself out. In fact, I wasn't even going to put one together this year because I honestly don't think I have anything to write. But after looking through all these photos, I feel so strange. I don't know where I fit into these photos... And I don't even know what that means... Let me try to explain:

"Sure, I know that you are tired of hearing about it, but most repeat the same theme over and over again. It's as if they were trying to refine what seems so strange and off to them. It's done by everybody because each must work out what is before them over and over again because that is their personal tiny miracle."

This is basically my life story

 This picture was taken a few months before I graduated high school, probably October 2006, actually. I really enjoyed high school. I had great friends, I made some ridiculous memories, and I honestly don't feel like I made any bad choices. I was a good kid. When I look at this picture I remember how funny I was (or at least how funny I though I was), and how I couldn't care less about people's perceptions of me. I love the reputation I made for myself.

 The night before I graduated high school, in May 2007, I let my best friend, Ryan, give me a mohawk. Looking back, it was so perfect... Of course I would spontaneously let Ryan shave my head. I thought I was so cool and funny, and let's be honest, I was pretty cool. I love it when I hear of what my peers thought of me in high school. "I didn't really know him, but I definitely knew who he was..." "I always saw him running around the hallway, but I never really got to know him." I think I'm going to go ahead and NOT interpret those kinds of statements as insults.

 This picture was taken the night before I moved to Utah for the first time in August 2007. We drove around town and spent more than $25 on fake tattoos. We thought it was a pretty clever idea. I remember all the anxiety I felt that day. I was never too nervous about going to a new place, I was just nervous that Idaho was going to forget about me. I tried so hard to have a night (or rather, be a person) that my friends (or I) wouldn't forget. I tried so hard to be memorable.

When I moved to Utah, I moved into a city where I had one good friend, and only knew a handfull of faces. It was dramatically different and liberating at first, but quickly turned lonely. This picture was taken in November 2007 during one of my visits to Idaho. I drove back to Idaho Falls almost every single weekend, so I could see what my friends were doing, and so I could make more ridiculous memories. And so I could be remembered.

 This picture was taken about a month before my first year of college ended, probably March 2008. I was so excited to go back home. But around this time I began to realize how much effort I put into holding onto a life that I thought was so great. I started to get angry at the people in Idaho for not recognizing my efforts or my sacrifices or my loneliness. It was during this month that I got on Myspace and wrote demeaning statements like, "Now that I've experienced the last nine months living 150 miles away from Idaho Falls, I know that my expectations of that place will never live up." and "My friends don't need me as much as I need them."Looking back, it was a horrible thing to say publicly about anyone else. Especially when the real reason I was upset was because I felt like I had wasted my first year of college.

 Despite the things I had said, that was easily one of the best summers of my entire life. That year taught me how to appreciate all the good times I was having. This picture, however, was taken sometime in September 2008 after I moved back to Logan for my second year of college. This year was very different from the last. I was happy. Now I had friends in Utah, and I had friends in Idaho that missed me. And as selfish as it sounds, it was comforting to know that I was being missed. In this picture, I was happy. I was confused, and I didn't understand how to feel or act or present myself in the situation at hand, but I was happy.

This picture was taken back in Idaho Falls sometime in late March or early April 2009. You wouldn't know by looking at my face, but I remember it being a really rough weekend for me.  The thrill of being back in Utah wore off, and I was back in my habit of going to Idaho every weekend. I questioned morality, spirituality, my standards, and my lifestyle. During the three days a week that I was in Logan, I researched. I read interviews and watched documentaries about how other people lived their lives. Four out of seven days of every week were spent in Idaho. I wasted so much money on gas...

 I graduated from Utah State in April 2009. I was so happy. I didn't really care about earning a degree. That didn't mean a thing to me. I was happy because I was going to take the year off and spend more time in Idaho. I moved back to Idaho without any hesitation.

Summer 2009 was great. I met so many outstanding people that continue to influence my life. I experienced so much life, and I was introduced to new ways of living it.  People began to open up to me and share stories about change and tolerance and their personal coping methods. It was exactly what I needed at that time in my life.

That summer ended, and in September 2009 I realized that everyone was leaving Idaho. I was on the opposite side of things, and with the exception of a handful of friends, I was alone in Idaho Falls. I traveled during those months, and spent almost as much time on the road as I did while I was living in Utah. I would visit Missoula and Boise and Salt Lake and everywhere else that my friends went. I did this for two reasons. The number one reason: I needed these people to know that I missed them. I had to make sure they didn't feel the same way I did after leaving. Second, I had to figure out how these people found closure with their hometown.

My nephew was born on July 3rd, 2010. I became an uncle, and I loved it. I still love it, and it continues to motivate me. Shortly after, my friends had a baby, and I felt that joy again. It really changed my life.

This summer was also the last summer that I worked at the pool. I spent seven years at that pool, and at that point in my life, that equated to one third of my lifetime. It was a big deal to me. But I needed it to happen. It provided one less reason to ever go back to Idaho. With the help of so many people and so many examples, I gained the closure that I hoped to find two years earlier. I left Idaho Falls in August 2010 and didn't feel bad about it.

When I made it back to Utah, I was determined to make life different. I didn't want to fall into the same slump. But this time was different. I didn't miss my hometown this time. I made friends that genuinely enjoy my company. I had people in Utah that would ask me not to go to Idaho because they wanted to spend time with me. It felt good. It feels good.

Life happens and sometimes you make sacrifices for friends that need help. Due to life, our buddy came and moved in with us in June 2011. It was three best friends, finally living together, like we always imagined during high school. Around this time, my life got busier. Work became strenuous and school became overwhelming. I fell into a routine and summer passed before I noticed the beginning. My schedule changed my priorities and I wasn't able to be around my new group of friends much, and I wasn't able to be around my old group of friends hardly ever. But I still manage to make memories when I can squeeze them in.

Today there are few things that I'm truly concerned about. Basically, I'm just trying to find my future. I'm trying to make rent each month. I'm trying to be an uncle. I'm trying to find the time to be a good friend. And I'm trying to be a worthwhile human being.